Finally, a cure for terminal laziness! (The Funny Side)
A scientist has invented angle-changing glasses for people suffering from a terrifying modern disease
Say you're lying in bed and something worth looking at appears in your room. Perhaps your favorite TV show starts, or Megan Fox wanders into your bedroom and asks you if you think she looks good in her new string micro-bikini (this happens to me all the time).
In the past, you would have had to lift your head a several centimeters to take a look. What a pain. Now you simply slip on your Gorodey 2 angle-changing glasses from Sanco online store in Japan. They contain tiny periscopes so that your head stays completely flat on the pillow but at the same time you can see down past your feet in perfect focus.
"Looks okay, Megan, but let me see you in two dozen similar outfits before I give my final verdict. We don't want to rush this."
There seems to be a whole industry making innovative eyewear in Japan. Consider the glasses which claim to give East Asians eyes like those of Westerners and South Asians.
"It's a glasses frame with two wire loops sticking up," said a reader named Hiroto who sent me a link to it. The loop gently presses into the skin, giving Chinese, Japanese and Korean people a curved eyelid fold above the eyeball and below the eyebrow.
Does it work? Volunteers who tested it for Japanese website Rocketnews24 say that: a) You look really stupid wearing the glasses, and b) As soon as you take the glasses off the crease disappears. Epic fail.
I phoned a doctor who said the difference is tiny: East Asian eyelids are three millimeters above the eyelashes, while Western and South Asian eyelids are seven to 11 mm above the eyelashes.
I told Hiroto, a Buddhist, that there were fun ways he could achieve the same goal. 1) Commit some horrible sin so he will be reincarnated as a lower form of life, such as a Westerner or South Asian. 2) If having massive eyelids is really important, he could commit LOADS of horrible sins and get reincarnated as a chameleon.
I once did a newspaper contest to find the strangest pop song lyric in this part of the world, and the winner was Single-Eyelid Girl by the China Dolls, a group from Thailand.
The lyrics were about a girl who falls in love with a boy who only likes "double-eyelid girls": "The boy at the table opposite us is here again today; look at his eyes, what amazing confidence. But I've heard that he only likes double-eyelid girls! With my single eyelid, I have no choice."
The song conjured up a vision of a Cyclops-like girl sitting in a restaurant with one huge eye in the middle of her forehead. I've never actually seen the lead singer of the China Dolls, so perhaps that IS what she looks like.
Sssen in small print on the back of a car: "If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you. Mua ha ha ha ha."
Students in India created a bra which calls the wearer's DAD when touched. It's an undergarment lined with hidden sensors. If a molester puts his hand on a woman's bust in a bus or train, the bra will use a Bluetooth signal to send a message to the girl's father.
For good measure, it also gives the molester a 3,200 volt "hands-off" shock and notifies the nearest police station. The unit, invented by three engineering students (two girls and a boy) in Chennai, has just won a Gandhian Young Technological Innovations Award, administrators announced.
One hopes the molester, as he rolls in agony on the bus floor, will be hoping that the police get there before Angry Indian Dad does. Or they may have to add another function to the transmitting bra: a message sent to the perpetrator's next of kin.
Talking of scientists, a man in England has created a car that runs on coffee. Great. Every owner feels that running a car is way too cheap and this should TOTALLY solve that problem. (Yes, I was waving my little "irony" flag as I wrote that sentence.) "Small latte for me, please, and 25 grande cappuccinos for my motor."
Did you see that President Obama has just given scientists USD 100 million to "map the human brain"? I hope the scientists present the results like Google Map directions. 1. At left ear, turn right. 2. Go forward one cm. 3. You have arrived at the brain.
So I read that boffins in Japan announced that they have found a way to grow human breasts in laboratories. By mixing human stem cells with human fat cells, scientists at Japan's Tottori University said they grew significant amounts of female breast material, according to the Daily Telegraph. Don't get any ideas here, lads. This is for medical purposes only. It's NOT a toy.
In other news, a confectioner in China has launched an exact rip-off copy of M and Ms, the chocolate candies, but called it S and Ms. I think someone needs to tell him that S and M has different connotations.
A Serbian woman aged 28 has a rare brain condition where she sees everything upside down, the UK Sun newspaper reported. I hate to say this, but I think almost every investment expert I know has the same thing. Real estate promoters in particular seem to have only have two lines. 1) "Market going up, best time to buy." 2) "Market going down, best time to buy."
The celebrity gossip columns inform me that a model called Lindsay Vonn says she and Tiger Woods are an item. Evidence is mounting that naming a girl "Lindsay" automatically disables her powers of judgment.
A truck driver in Taiwan has become an internet star after someone uploaded a video of his high-speed unloading method. He floors the accelerator and then stomps on the brake. The front half of the truck shoots into the air and his entire load instantly falls off the back. Now I know who delivered the porcelain tea-set I ordered last year.
A reader forwarded me a video showing China's first lady Peng Liyuan in a stage musical recreating China's invasion of Tibet. Dancing Ms. Peng leads the citizens of Tibet in singing: "Who is going to liberate us? It's the dear People's Liberation Army! Our happiness knows no boundaries!" Don't remember that in my history book.
Going back to the subject of nerdy types, did you hear this one? Three trainee accountants take a break from statistics revision to do some archery. The first shoots his arrow 30 cm left of the bull's eye. The second shoots his arrow 30 cm right of the bull's eye. The third puts down his bow and fills in the score sheet, saying: "Averaging out the scores, we were bang on target." Moral of the story: Math geeks always win.
(Nury Vittachi is an Asia-based frequent traveler. Send ideas and comments via www.mrjam.org)
(Posted on 12-04-2013)